Growing Up With a Stutter

Recently, I had the opportunity to participate in an international stuttering camp, where six countries were represented, including Hungary. I had the chance to meet many wonderful people there, and a lot of things changed within me regarding my speech. At the very least, something started to change.

One of those things is self-acceptance. I realized that sometimes we have to accept and say out loud the difficult things and experiences that we think about or have been through, because by doing so, we can give strength both to ourselves and to others. Nothing good comes from suppressing difficult or painful feelings.

Yes, we can see many positive examples related to stuttering (famous people, scientists, etc.), but the negative experiences are also there, even if we do not like talking about them.

I am currently 24 years old. I work as a software tester and developer, and I am also working toward my master's degree. According to my family, I started stuttering when I was two years old. There were many theories about why it happened, but at that time, there was still a lot of speculation surrounding stuttering in general.

At first, my speech did not really bother me personally. As far as I can remember from kindergarten and the first two years of elementary school, what stayed with me is that I loved making friends, meeting new people, and basically talking to anyone.

However, this only lasted for a while, because other people play a huge role in shaping someone's self-image, and unfortunately, we do not always encounter the best side of people. I experienced many of the things that other people who stutter have also experienced: I was told to calm down (even though I was completely calm), that there was no need to be nervous (I wasn't nervous until people pointed out that I "should be"), or that I should speak more slowly. People often finished my sentences for me (usually incorrectly), and on some occasions, I was also subjected to verbal abuse, bullying, and teasing.

Because of these experiences, I eventually started wondering what was wrong with me and why almost everyone reacted this way. Of course, I knew that I stuttered, but it was not until I encountered these reactions that I truly realized that my way of speaking was not something other people considered normal. I started to FEEL ASHAMED of my speech. I was angry with myself for not even being able to do this properly. Because of the constant feeling of shame, I did not like speaking in class, and I did not want to meet new people because I was afraid of how they would react.

Sometimes, I was even afraid to talk to my friends because I felt like I was holding the conversation back and that everyone would be better off if I simply stayed in the background (of course, I later learned that this existed largely only in my head). In short, little by little, I learned to hate the way I spoke, and I developed quite severe ANXIETY.

This made my school years quite difficult, all the way through the end of high school. Whenever I could, I fought against my speech, against a part of myself that had always been and would always be a part of me. I went to a speech therapist, a school psychologist, and also attended speech therapy specifically for people who stutter.

But then I went to university. At first, I was terrified: there were new people everywhere, and I didn't know anyone. I remember how scared I was before my first orientation day, walking into a room full of strangers and waiting for us to start introducing ourselves, which, let's be honest, is quite a nightmare for many people who stutter. As it turned out, there was nothing to worry about. I met incredibly kind and accepting people and made friendships. Little by little, I started trusting people again, and I learned that I am so much more than my speech. I learned that people really can be understanding and accepting; they simply do not always understand something they have never encountered before.

Over the years, I have challenged myself in countless ways, doing things I previously could not even imagine myself doing (leading groups, oral exams, job interviews, presentations, etc.). But I think I have developed a mindset that I have just as much right to be here and to speak as anyone else.

Now I can see that many of my negative experiences at school did not come from malicious intentions. They simply came from a lack of understanding: people did not know what to do with stuttering or exactly what it was. But I also had to grow and mature before I was able to accept that.

I know that I still have a long way to go. There are many things I still need to learn to let go of, accept, or overcome, and none of this can happen overnight. But I believe I am on the right path, and I will continue working on these things because it is worth it. We must not let our past negative experiences control us, because otherwise, we may miss out on so many wonderful things that we could never have imagined.